I Give Up, For Real

I don't know why I'm bothering, since it seems my page has been completely abandoned by any and all readers, but I'm putting my reviews on hold.

I love doing them, but there doesn't seem to be much point in taking the time to post things online if they won't be seen. So I'm giving it a break. Maybe I'll take a page from Cap'n JJ's book, and start some more story-driven writings in my free time. Who knows? Maybe I'll revive good old Yntryst someday. If I do, you'll be sure to see it on MySpace.

So until then, the tearful friend says, "So I guess this is goodbye..."

Calcifer Pwns.

I am very satisfied. Ever since seeing trailers for Howl's Moving Castle I've been interested in seeing it, and now, I finally have.

The verdict?

Just wait and see, oh Impatient One.

It is an animated film. It is not geared towards adults, but neither is it directed strictly towards children. It's just innocent fun. Remember that.

As far as the movie goes visually, it is, as 90% of anime-style films are, magnificent. A few awkward-looking portions, but that's to be expected. Overall, gorgeous.

The plot is an original and engaging one. I've watched it twice, and it was better the second time. I tried watching it the first time while folding laundry. When the movie ended, I looked down to find two shirts folded.

The voice acting is incredible for a dubbed film. They got a lot of talent for this one. CHRISTIAN BALE, Lauren Bacall, BILLY CRYSTAL, Blythe Danner, Josh Hutcherson, JEAN SIMMONS...

It's amazing.

Honestly? If you're an anime fan such as myself, and can appreciate an animated film without frequent fan service or gratuitous violence, this is a must see.

Just one issue, here. It's a two-disc DVD, with a 'movie' disc and a 'bonus features' disc. That would lead one to believe there are more bonuse features on the second disc, correct?

Not so.

I spent 45 minutes watching very interesting special features on the same disc as the movie itself, then popped the second in, expecting a whole lot more. What did I get?

Storyboards.

That's all.

ONE. BONUS. FEATURE.

Still, it's a 9 out of 10. I'm going out to buy it ASAP, so I can watch it twenty more times. You should, too.

And the loveable fireball says, "I don't cook! I'm a scary fire demon!"

Ah'll Be Bahk, Baybee.

Hey there, y'all. I'm not dead, and I'm not done. I just haven't seen, tried, or even smelled anything new for a while. At least, nothing I feel like sharing openly with whomever might wish to see it.

So don't abandon me! I'll be back at it sooner or later.

And I say, "Sorry. I didn't mean to break it."

Five For One, What A Bargain!

Ahoy!

Boy oh boy, do I have a treat for you guys!

I know this is completely unheard of, but I can't help it...I've been watching movies a lot recently...soo...

I'm reviewing five at once.

That's why this darn post has taken me so long.

But let's get down to business, whilst my interest remains.

The first movie I shall be reviewing is entitled The Sword and the Sorcerer.

I rented this one expecting it to be bad. Uber-bad. My expectations were far surpassed. And believe it or not, that's a good thing. My sides hurt from laughing, it was so full of hickdickery.

That wreck of a movie is definitely a new favorite.

The story somehow manages to be completely unoriginal, while maintaining a level of cheesiness that distinguishes it from others of its type. I mean, how often do you find a movie about an orphaned prince turned mercenary with a triple-bladed sword that can launch its blades through unsuspecting archers? Or a demon whose awe-inspiring power is to make your eyes glow and apparently cause you to act badly? Or a final battle in which both hero and villain have so many weapons deposited on their bodies, completely undetectable, that your eyes literally fall out with disbelief?

Not many, that's for sure.

And of course, the random, completely unnecessary nude scenes sprinkled in do nothing to enhance its credibility.

I enjoyed the movie, but I like bad movies, if they're bad in the right way. The Sword and the Sorcerer gets a biased 10 wenches out of 10, and an impartial 3 blades out of 10.


Next up? Red Eye.

This movie was highly recommended to me, and I've been wanting to see it for quite some time, but never quite got around to it until now. I'm glad I did.

It was a good story, and original enough to keep my attention. The acting was also good. Really good.

...

Swell.

This review'll be short...

Cillian Murphy did a fantastic job. So did everyone else.

It was good.

Good.

Good good good.

I don't want to say much about the story, so just watch it if you haven't already.

8 out of 10.


Third one is Unleashed, starring Jet Li.

Jet Li is saweet.

I'm a big fan of the kung fu movies, both new and old. If you're a kung fu fan, you'll know what I mean when I say that normal fight scenes always look a bit unrealistic.

Not so in Unleashed.

The plot would never actually happen, of course, but I found myself believing it mindlessly at points. The fights were so...real. Unrealistically real. Absolutely amazing choreography. Gave me the jibblies.

I've already established the fact that Jet Li is awesome, but I also have to mention the pwnage that is Morgan Freeman. He was amazing, as he always is. Jet and Morgan are a couple of cool cats, and they really make this movie a lot better than it would otherwise have been.

Unleashed, aka Danny the Dog, gets a righteous 10 out of 10. I would suggest it to anyone who enjoys a good action/kung fu film. Because it is good, and you'd enjoy it.

Okay, okay, fourth up is Dungeons & Dragons: Wrath of the Dragon God.

I HATED IT.

The first one was good. Not good good, true, but another one of those bad good movies I love so much. This one was just plain bad. Bad, bad, awful, horrible, bad.

I don't think they could have found worse actors if they tried. Unless they called me up, that is.

Of course, even if the acting was good, it would have been ruined by the awful, and completely predictable, plot. A total load of Malarky.

And had they the greatest writers in the world, the fact they they tried to, err, explain the game through the movie...well, that ruined it for me. I really, really, really don't want to hear a discussion on the differences between arcane and divine magic, nor do I need to know that "barbarians are strong, thieves are cunning, and sorceresses are smart." Uh, uh, uh, uh-DUH!

So we remove the explanations. That leaves the terrible special effects. It's not often that they get worse in the second movie, but that certainly was the case this time. It looked horrible, even for a movie from, oh, say, 1998?

Fix that up, and you've got a decent movie with THE MOST RETARDED NAMES IN EXISTENCE!

Berek? Melora? Lux, Ormaline, Oberon, Tibio, Nim?

And those are just some of the characters, not to mention other people, places, and things.

I love D&D, don't get me wrong, but the movie's awful.

I give it a 4 out of 10, and spit on it, as well.

Blech.

Okay, okay, okay. LAST ONE:

Date Movie.

Not quite what I was expecting.

This one's right down the middle for me.

There were scenes that cracked me up. Absolutely hilarious. I mean, the dancing at the beginning? The random inclusion of huge hamburgers in miss Electra's introduction? Hummus?

Good stuff.

But there were other parts, most markedly the scenes with the housekeeper, that flat-out disturbed me.

Ugh, ick, eww.

Why did I even mention it? Now I've got that awful image stuck in my head.

Happy thoughts, Chris, happy thoughts.

I love parodies. I especially love to see one film lampoon several others before it's through.

This one did that.

It just didn't always do it well.

I give Date Movie a 6 out of 10. Worth seeing, perhaps, but I would not count myself as unlucky if I never see it again.


So there you have it. A mega-review, all for you. Now all I have to do is sit back and let the comments roll on in.

Right. Ha.

Have a nice month, y'all, and look for Sketchmo to be back up soon!

And the rogue says, "I know we all must die eventually, I'd just prefer not to at this moment."


P.S.: This one's dedicated to JJ and his amazing list of words we should use more often. Can you spot all of them?