Not Appreciated In It's Own Time...

Alright, I have to say it, because my blood's really boiling now.

Final Fantasy: Spirits Within is one of the most unfairly criticized movies in human history. It was a failure, financially speaking, I'll agree. No one watched it.

I don't know why.

The movie is awesome! The CG in 2001 was better than it is now! Even better than the Advent Children graphics, as far as realism goes. The story is great, the acting is better than real life. I can't find anything wrong with the movie that is serious enough to warrant calling it bad.

So if you think FF:SW sucks, well, Mr. Pot, you'll have to find another Kettle, or I'll rip out your soul.

It's a 13 out of 10. You watch it, you'll know why. That is, if you can take on a carrot in a test of wits.

And the old scientist says, "Ooh...it's warm."

Books You Either Should Or Shouldn't Read

So I've been asked to do a book review.

I'm more than willing to oblige. In fact, as a public service, I'm going a step further and reviewing several of my favorite (and least favorite) books, so this post may get a bit lengthy.

You have been warned.

First off, I'll explain the rating system for books. It's similar to the video game system that you are probably familiar with by now, in that it's a series of categories followed by an overall score. The categories are:

Language
The level of sophistication and the effectiveness of its use.

Length
I think this category speaks for itself. The higher the rating, the longer the book. Which is a good thing.

Publicity
Does the author already have a good reputation? Remember, this category is based on my own knowledge, plus most of my books are really old, so I can't be completely trusted. Not that I ever could be.

Story
In my humble opinion, the most important rating. Ya just gotta have a good story.

Overall
Well, dur.

Okay, so now that that's all cleared up (for the mentally inferior), we can get started. I'll start off on a good note with the series I'm currently reading...

DUNE
Frank Herbert
Sci-Fi

Language: 8
Let's just say they're wordy. If you're like me, you'll enjoy that. If you're just a light, casual reader, you may nort like-a so much. The language is well used, however. The story fits the expression.

Length: 8
Not the longest books I've ever read, but they're up there. 300-400 pages apiece.

Publicity: 9
I'd never heard of the series before it was introduced to me (Thank you oh, so much!), but it must be pretty well known, because now that I've read some of it, I keep seeing references to it on TV. For instance, The Grim Adventures of Billy and Mandy on Cartoon Network made a reference to the Gom Jabbar, a poisonous needle from the books. That excited me.

Story: 10
A true epic. It just keep on going, never losing anything! It improves with each chapter. Think of a cross between Lord of the Rings and...Minority Report, perhaps? Only set on a desert planet in the future. I love it.

Overall: 10
I've read three books, and I can't wait to continue. This is good stuff, and to all you Sci-Fi fans out there, I highly reccommend it.

MYTH Series
Robert Asprin
Fantasy

Language: 9
Not too wordy, but highly effective and full of puns and subtle humor. Perfect for a guy like me.

Length: 5
Right in the middle. Each book is about 200 pages long.

Publicity: 7
As far as I know, it doesn't have a huge fan base or anything, but there are plenty of people who have read the series.

Story: 10
Ecxellent. Each tale is engaging and comical, so much so that I had to reduce myself to saying "engaging and comical" just to explain it. Oh yeah, the little quotes at the beginning of each chapter? Pure genius.

Overall: 10
I know, it seems like I'm gonna be handing out tens left and right, but what can I say? I have great taste. This is a series worth picking up, and pretty cheap, to boot.

Phule's Company
Robert Asprin
Sci-Fi

Language: 7
Again, not too wordy, and very detailed, but fewer puns. Still effective, but...

Length: 5
200 pages or so. Lengths vary from book to book. (By the way, this is a series...)

Publicity: 6
Fairly well known, but not exceptionally so.

Story: 8
The first two books are both tens, but the series kind of deteriorates from there...it makes me so sad to see a good series decay.

Overall: 7
I'm very grateful to this series, because it's how I found the MYTH series, and I certainly do reccommend the first two books. Possibly even the fifth. But don't buy three and four unless you want the whole series, for collector's purposes, or just to fill in the whole story.

A Journey To The Center Of The Earth
Jules Verne
Classic Sci-Fi

Language: 9
Elegant, flowing, and straightforward. Not perfect, but very good.

Length: 8
Not the longest I've read. Still long.

Publicity: 10
Who hasn't heard of it? I mean, c'mon. Seriously.

Story: 8
It's an entertaining tale, but kind of...unbelievable. I know, it's supposed to be unreal. It's Sci-Fi, dur. But a good book makes you almost believe it could happen, and it just doesn't cut it for me.

Overall: 8
Enjoyable, and worth buying, but unless you've got a LOT of time on your hands, you probably won't read it more than once or twice.

Monster Hunters 1
Nancy Garden(A bajillion-year-old teacher)
Horror (If you can call it that)

Language: 4
Simple and boring. Where's the creativity?

Length: 4
Very short. 160 pages.

Publicity: 4
Who'd heard of this book? Girly little boys who are too stupid to read anything better.

Story: 5
Interesting enough story. I mean, it has vampires. But other than the vampire aspect, it's a lousy, stereotypical Hardy Boys style horror-mystery. I mean, come on. The characters' names are Brian, Darcy, and NUMBLES.

Overall: 4 (Big surprise)
Never buy it unless you have a young cousin you don't like, and his or her birthday is coming up soon.

The Integral Trees
Larry Niven
Sci-Fi (Bet you know my favorite genre!)

Language: 9
As with all of Niven's work, it's sophisticated and well manipulated, exactly how a good, serious Sci-Fi novel should be written.

Length: 6
About 260 pages, so slightly above average.

Publicity: 10
Larry Niven is one of Sci-Fi's most famous authors, so naturally word of his books gets around pretty quick.

Story: 10
Oh, what a wonderful tale. It's fresh, it's innovative, it's glorious, even 20 years after it's publication. Six thumbs up.

Overall: 10
I figured I'd wrap up this post with a good'un. This book is exactly how Sci-Fi was meant to be. If you're a fan, buy it now! NOW! Trust me, it's worth it.

So there ya go. Three series, three books. That's enough for now. I have plenty in my collection (mostly Sci-Fi/Fantasy, of course), so there'll be several more book review posts, don't worry. I just can't bring myself to do them all at once.

In addition, I'd just like to say that the new Baja California Starbursts get a 7 out of 10, cuz they're purty good, the new sour orange flavor gets an 8, and the sour grape gets a 10 out of 10. Try them, tell me what you think. I'm lovin' it.

And the Fremen Naib says, "But whatever comes from behind the mountains must cross the dunes."

The Fairer Sex

Hooray for girls. I really like them. Much more than guys, certainly.

That's it.

And the jerks who kept me up all night say, "Hey, what if you put nitro-glycerin pills on a train?! It would be the first train to reach orbit!! Ha ha ha!! Isn't yelling about idiocy fun?!"

Pickpockets Rock It

Bum...

Bum bum...

Darkness shrouds the city streets.

Bum...

A figure darts from the cover of shadow, and disappears just as quickly.

Bum bum BUM bum...

SCREAMS IN THE NIGHT!

"AAAAHHHH! MURDER! MUUUURDER!"

"Are you alright?!"

"I see blood, oh my god!"

BUM bum BUM bum BUM bum BUM...

The guards rush in, trying to restore calm, and failing miserably, as several of them are intoxicated beyond reason. Before long, two of them are down, unconscious, and the others flee in terror.

Bum bum bum bum bum bum bum bum buuummmmm...

Elsewhere...

Doo bee doo...

A servant dusts the paintings in his master's private gallery.

Doo doo bee doo bee doo...

He hears a noise to his left.

"What was that? I wonder...

Doo doo doo...

He feels the icy cold hands of fear clutch at him as he wanders in the dark hallway, hoping desperately that he is alone.

"Heh...perhaps it is a beautiful maiden...come to give me gifts, and tell me how handsome I am...Ungh!"

He's down.

He's out.

And I'm 50 gold pieces richer.

Ah, the glorious life of the thief. You, too, can experience what I go through every night with the not-so-new, but still excellent, Thief: Deadly Shadows.



The third in the Thief series for PC (The Dark Project, The Metal Age, Deadly Shadows), Deadly Shadows is full of moments like those described above. I cannot even begin to describe how awesome it is to crawl along the rafters of a building, to drop onto your unsuspecting prey, dagger in hand. Or to crush those bothersome Pagans with a giant gear. Or to scale walls without the aid of rope or hook. Or to blow Hammerites apart with motion-sensing explosives. The list goes on...

You play Garrett, a thief trained in the ways of a Keeper, with a bionic eye and a whole bag full of tricks, from bombs to knock-out gas arrows to flasks of oil to flashbangs. Your blackjack is your closest friend, your dagger is your lover, your bow is...your...umm...lover's closest friend? And it's all about you.

Your goal is to complete various quests, which all further the somewhat linear storyline, while making a profit with which to buy equipment for future quests. You do this by, well, thieving. You steal items of value and sell them to your fences. No biggie.

The best part of this game is taking out the goodies. I mean, baddies. It's possible in the easier levels to do a lot of open killing, running around without care, but it's so much more satisfying to play the game as it was meant to be played. It's all based on stealth. You stick to the shadows, sneak up behind some poor soul, and club their brains out. You can backstab them, of course, but that's much noisier.

I love the ragdoll physics. They're beautiful. It's extremely satisfying to snipe a guy with an arrow and watch them bend in half backwards and sit there, looking very uncomfortable. And dead.

The only really negative thing I could say about Deadly Shadows is that the load times are kind of lengthy, but they're not overly abundant, and the quotes shown on the screen are enough to keep me entertained for the ten to fifteen seconds that it takes my computer to load the next area.

I could go on and on about this game, and I'd like to try not to, so I'll get down to the ratings.

Graphics: 10
I run the graphics as low as possible on my computer, and it still looks good. Full graphics are absolutely gorgeous. The shadows, as one might expect, are just about perfect. I drool when I play.

Audio: 10
Everything's pretty realistic, though there are some points where something should make a sound and...doesn't. But this is covered by the glorious voice acting I've come to expect from the Thief series. Oh, I sigh every time I hear a guard rationalize any noise I make as the wind, or a large bug, or something he ate. The fools.

AI: 10
The AI is set perfectly to whatever difficulty you choose. Once in a rare while it will glitch, just like any game, but the glitches are minor and infrequent. NPCs will notice open doors, extinguished torches, missing characters, misplaced items, blood stains, and, of course, bodies. They search for you. They hear you, see you, and sometimes, it seems, smell you. They retreat when hurt, or, in the case of peasants, when they first notice you. It all just seems how people would really react to a notorious thief.

Gameplay: 25
I think I've said enough on the subject.

Overall, Thief: Deadly Shadows gets a 10 out of 10. It's as close to perfect as I can expect from anyone other than myself. It's not too hard to learn, and is fun to try and master. I, being the master thief I am, have beat it several times on the highest difficulty with a perfect record. That is, no kills whatsoever (only knockouts), never seen or caught, no bodies discovered, every possible bit of loot stolen, and no damage taken. Not easy. So worship my superior gaming skills, mortals!

And the besotted buffoon says, "I'm shorry, Ms. Heath's ghosht, for taking yer pie. I wash *hic* hungry..."

Hot Shots...

These new CG films are great and all, and I love how realistic they've become, but sometimes the only thing that can satisfy my craving for entertainment is a good old B-rated film.

Hot Shots.

A classic.

Is there anyone else here who thinks that putting recipes for brownie topping in the credits is a stroke of pure genius?

The acting is bad, but in a way that lets you know it's intentional without ruining the effect. That takes talent. The gags are cheap and bountiful. The musical selection is high-class. The accent is French.

Ryan Stiles is in this movie!

I'm sure you can find Hot Shots for a good price. I got my copy for three bucks. If you're a Naked Gun fan, then this movie's for you, so buy it. Of course, if you're a Naked Gun fan, you've probably already seen it. I give it a 7.5 out of 10.

In other news, I GOT MY NEW CD!! They Might Be Giants, Dial-A-Song. 20 years of glory. 52 songs on two discs. I'm feelin' groovy.

And the Indian Chieftan says, "Pick up some AA batteries while you're out."