Kingdom of Heaven
So I saw Kingdom of Heaven today. I know it's been out for a while, but...I'm poor and have very few incentives to leave the house. I will admit that there are parts of the movie I liked. Here they are.
The first king was pretty cool. Very weak, but with the strength of will to beat the crap out of a jerk.
Tiberius, the only name I remember, was also pretty cool. That's mostly because he...well, he's just cool.
I enjoyed the "Horsey Ring of Death."
Catapults and trebuchets are always fun.
Umm.....that's all. Now for the much longer list of SOME of the things about this movie that I didn't like.
Every single priest in the movie is evil or cowardly.
Orlando Bloom's character, Bengail or something, completely blows off the memory of his dead wife for another woman, even though he said she would live always in his heart, spent days mourning, killed a man for being rude in reference to her, and tore her necklace from said man's flaming body. I'm not saying I'm opposed to the new relationship.....but he didn't even have any qualms. Never even thought about her until the very end of the movie, where he slows down for about half a second by her grave.
Everyone in the movie either is suspisciously friendly towards Bengail, or wants him dead. There is no in between.
Wherever he goes, old Bengail gets the sage advice of evryone around him. I think almost every character with a speaking role had some clever bit of wisdom to share. It made me sick.
There was ancient porn music.
Giant flaming arrows exploded like bombs, rather than just.....sticking into people. You know. Like they're supposed to. So did rocks.
The director apparently has something against large lips. They frighten him.
This German dies almost exactly like Boromir in The Fellowship of the Ring.
There was too much story crammed into the beginning of the movie.
In the first half hour, Bengail says about ten words. By the end, he's giving drawn-out speeches. Bit of a change in character. (I know he's supposed to change some.....but that's unrealistic.)
The same "Oh-no-he-just-killed-the-poor-guy-oh-wait-he-didn't-really" trick is used twice, and it sucks both times.
The siege reminded me too much of Home Alone.
One of the extras, a crossbowman, fired off a shot and then stood there gawking in the middle of a battle. I wanted to jump in there and cut his stupid throat.
There were giant.....wheels.....that didn't do anything.....except distract me from the conversation between the Muslim leaders.
Just a few of my complaints.
The soundtrack was good, the camerawork was good, most of the special effects were good.....but the story.....and the authenticity.....and the feeble attempt to make it look like anything other than a LOTR rip-off with deep, and yet very shallow, religious undertones.....all were way off. If you're an Orlando Bloom fan, you should at least rent it. It's not his best work, but it's a different role. If you like to criticize movies like me, you should rent it. Otherwise.....I don't recommend it. I give it a 4 out of 10.
Of course, that's just my opinion, which, as we all know, is the right one.
By the way, this is my 30th post! Woo-hoo!
And the blacksmith says, ".....I'm the blacksmith.....I'm the blacksmith....."
The first king was pretty cool. Very weak, but with the strength of will to beat the crap out of a jerk.
Tiberius, the only name I remember, was also pretty cool. That's mostly because he...well, he's just cool.
I enjoyed the "Horsey Ring of Death."
Catapults and trebuchets are always fun.
Umm.....that's all. Now for the much longer list of SOME of the things about this movie that I didn't like.
Every single priest in the movie is evil or cowardly.
Orlando Bloom's character, Bengail or something, completely blows off the memory of his dead wife for another woman, even though he said she would live always in his heart, spent days mourning, killed a man for being rude in reference to her, and tore her necklace from said man's flaming body. I'm not saying I'm opposed to the new relationship.....but he didn't even have any qualms. Never even thought about her until the very end of the movie, where he slows down for about half a second by her grave.
Everyone in the movie either is suspisciously friendly towards Bengail, or wants him dead. There is no in between.
Wherever he goes, old Bengail gets the sage advice of evryone around him. I think almost every character with a speaking role had some clever bit of wisdom to share. It made me sick.
There was ancient porn music.
Giant flaming arrows exploded like bombs, rather than just.....sticking into people. You know. Like they're supposed to. So did rocks.
The director apparently has something against large lips. They frighten him.
This German dies almost exactly like Boromir in The Fellowship of the Ring.
There was too much story crammed into the beginning of the movie.
In the first half hour, Bengail says about ten words. By the end, he's giving drawn-out speeches. Bit of a change in character. (I know he's supposed to change some.....but that's unrealistic.)
The same "Oh-no-he-just-killed-the-poor-guy-oh-wait-he-didn't-really" trick is used twice, and it sucks both times.
The siege reminded me too much of Home Alone.
One of the extras, a crossbowman, fired off a shot and then stood there gawking in the middle of a battle. I wanted to jump in there and cut his stupid throat.
There were giant.....wheels.....that didn't do anything.....except distract me from the conversation between the Muslim leaders.
Just a few of my complaints.
The soundtrack was good, the camerawork was good, most of the special effects were good.....but the story.....and the authenticity.....and the feeble attempt to make it look like anything other than a LOTR rip-off with deep, and yet very shallow, religious undertones.....all were way off. If you're an Orlando Bloom fan, you should at least rent it. It's not his best work, but it's a different role. If you like to criticize movies like me, you should rent it. Otherwise.....I don't recommend it. I give it a 4 out of 10.
Of course, that's just my opinion, which, as we all know, is the right one.
By the way, this is my 30th post! Woo-hoo!
And the blacksmith says, ".....I'm the blacksmith.....I'm the blacksmith....."
Pulled from the planet-sized mind of Christopholes around 10:31 PM
1 Comments:
I haven't seen the movie and I don't plan on it. Your review confirms what I have heard about the movie before, that it sucks.
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