And That Means Comfort

I bought a new DVD today. It's....a musical. See if you can guess the title from the following song:

Fifteen birds in five fir-trees,
their feathers were fanned in a fiery breeze!
But, funny little birds, they had no wings!
O what shall we do with the funny little things?
O what shall we do with the funny little things?
Roast 'em alive, or stew them in a pot;
fry them, boil them and eat them hot?
Bake and toast 'em, fry and roast 'em!
till beards blaze, and eyes glaze;
till hair smells and skins crack,
fat melts, and bones black
in cinders lie
beneath the sky!
So dwarves shall die!

Etc....

Can you guess it? I can, for I am Gandalf, and Gandalf means....Me!

That's right, it's The Hobbit, an animated classic. I've watched this movie since I was a little kid, and was thrilled to see it on DVD for only $2. As bad as the animation is, and as hippie-esque as the music is, it's still a glorious example of what one can do with poor work ethic and a pre-written script.

Okay, it sucks. I still like it.

From a critical standpoint, I give it a 3. From a personal standpoint, which is all that matters, it earns a 9.

I mean, who can't love the way those dwarves sort of totter around when they try to run?

Buy it. Seriously. You owe it to yourself. Acme, two bucks.

And the goat-man sings, "The greatest adventuuuuure is what lies aheeeaaad..."

I Hate To Do It, But...

Hey guys. Sorry for no super recent posts, but I haven't done anything particularly interesting.

I hate to do it, but I'm enabling word-verification for comments. That means you'll have to type in one of those stupid word-pictures that keep automated software from leaving crap on my blog. While it feels good to threaten others, it doesn't do much good against unthinking, unfeeling machines.

So I take my destiny into my own hands.

Or something.

Again, sorry for the inconvenience, and I hope this won't keep you all from leaving your wonderful, enlightening comments. I do so enjoy the feedback.

And the four-year-old cowboy says, "Bang! You're dead!"

Bewitched

Last night, Movies 4 was graced with my presence. I was there to watch Bewitched for fifty cents.

There's not much to say about this movie, really.

1.) It has Will Ferrell.
2.) It has Steve Carell.
3.) It has Michael Caine.

The best way to judge the movie quality is to compare it to Anchorman. If you liked Anchorman, this is almost, but not quite, as good. If you didn't like Anchorman, this isn't quite as bad.

I give it an 8 out of 10. Worth seeing, and if you're a Ferrell fan such as myself, worth buying.

And the lovesick fool says, "Let's go to Seaworld and make love on the back of a killer whale."

Advertising Prohibited

Looking at my last few posts, I realize that I've become the prey of Pluggers, also known as idiots.

Sorry about that, guys. And sorry to everyone who shares a blog with me, because they are likely to spread. Unfortunately, unless I feel like restricting everyone without a blogger account from leaving comments, it can't be helped.

To you morons who think that a "Hey, great blog here!" justifies your cluttering my space with your advertising crap, you do so at the risk of cluttering your own page. I'm a very vindictive person. I won't let up, and will recruit others on my crusade for justice. I can be a thorn in your side, just as you are in mine. SO BACK OFF OR ELSE!

...

Do you think it worked?

And the mouse says, "Pull it out yourself, wimp."

Racism and Kiddie Porn!

I’ve been spending a lot of time in front of the computer, lately, watching DVDs. All for your benefit.

Thank me.

Today I have seen both Guess Who and Wool Cap. Two very different movies.

I’ll start with Guess Who.

So what do you call 300 black men buried into the ground up to their necks?

Afro-turf.

Hah.

Hah hah.

This movie had its moments, but was kind of lame overall. The only thing I truly enjoyed was the “Better Half” speech and the subsequent theft of said speech.

I can’t really go into depth about what was good and what was bad, because it was all the same. It got old pretty quickly. Every other line was, “You’re black!” or, “You’re white!” I understood going in that the racial difference would be the main conflict, but you’d think they would have the decency to throw in a scene or two not devoted to racism.

In short, Guess Who is a one-trick pony.

I give Guess Who a 4 out of 10. Watch it if you have nothing better to do and someone else is buying. Otherwise, avoid it.

Now, as for Wool Cap...

I’m not usually into dramas all that much. I’m more of a blood and chuckles kind of guy. But despite my prejudices, I have to admit that Wool Cap is a good movie. Very good, in fact.

I have not seen Gigot. Perhaps I should. I still don’t think I’d like it as much. This is one of those oh-so-rare films, a remake that outdoes its predecessor. I think I’m safe in saying that, regardless of how good Gigot may or may not have been.

First of all, being mute automatically endears the main character to me, for various reasons. Second, the homeless hobo look is totally in, even though he’s not homeless. Or a hobo. Or anything like that. He’s a super. A mute super. Third...that hat...keeping it this whole time...what devotion. I have to respect that kind of loyalty.

So the main character, Charles Gigot, he’s cool. What about the rest of the movie, you ask?
Well, the story is a classic. Cripple is unhappy. Cripple gets stuck with mouthy brat. Cripple and mouthy brat develop bond. DISASTER STRIKES!

Plus it has a monkey. Monkeys are the bomb, the nuke, the WMD. Trained monkeys own all other pets in the game of cool. I want a monkey now. Had I a monkey, with a nifty little jacket and/or full suit of armor, I would never have to move again!

My only complaint about the entire movie is that the man playing Gigot’s friend is a bad actor. He only ruins a little bit of it, though.

Wool Cap gets a prestigious 8 out of 10. I’d say that if you’re open to a little drama, this one’s a buy. I mean, come on! It has drugs and child nudity! How could it possibly get any better?!

...

Sarcasm, people. Learn to recognize it.

And the garage band says, “SIX DEAD CATS IN A HIGH-SPEED BLENDER, IT’S NOW OR NEVER!”

The Mediocre Spawn of a Greater Failure

One of my favorite movies of all time has to be Kung Pow: Enter the Fist. It's amazing to see stupidity arranged so intelligently. I respect that kind of movie.

Hoping to be dazzled in a similar manner, I watched Kung Fu Hustle this afternoon. I have to say, I was disappointed. It's not that it was bad...it just wasn't up to par with it's predecessor.

Some good points:

--The children have amazing muscle definition.
--The knife scene is hilarious.
--The fight scenes are well orchestrated.
--The palm techniques are some of the coolest things I've ever seen, along with the musicians.

Some bad points:

--It tries to be 'zany' and 'wacky,' but can't really be called anything more than 'cheesey.'
--Those guys...those cool guys...well, that cool guy...HE DIES!
--There is far too much male buttocks involved.
--The English dubbing is total crap, and it's much better in the original Cantonese.

I did enjoy the movie, and I might consider buying a used copy sometime. I wouldn't pay full price for this, though, if I were you. Kung Fu Hustle gets a consolation prize of 6 points out of 10. Next time, guys, focus more on either comedy or action. You do both well, but you suck at blending them.

And the would-be-criminal says, "We haven't done anything yet! No robbery, no murder, no rape..."

I Feel Burnt Out

Yesterday I picked up a demo copy of Burnout: Revenge for PS2. This is a racing game, NOT a sim, in which the goal is total destruction. For this, since it is a game, I revert to my old rating system. Step-by-step ratings, followed by an overall score.

Know that this is a one-race, one-car, one-mode demo, so I can't vouche for the whole game.

Graphics: 8

The cars are very pretty, from what I've seen. Great reflections, great details. The explosions are gorgeous. It all looks real, more or less. Very gritty. Very authentic.

Audio: 8

The cars sound wonderful, and so do the explosions, but my favorite part of the sound scheme is the "WHOOOOOSH"ing noise that buildings and vehicles make as the fly by. It really lends to the feeling of XTREME SPEED!

Gameplay: 9

Although I've only played one game mode...well, one race...it's still been enough to keep me entertained for two days. It is unbelievably fun, shunting cars into walls, ramping into walls, scraping along walls...now that I think about it, a lot of the fun is centered around walls. Perhaps I should just buy some drywall next time.

Overall: A very solid 8.

I'm loving this game, and plan on buying it as soon as I have the required fundage. I suggest that anyone with a PS2 stops by Best Buy and picks up the demo, to see if you enjoy it as much as I do. I'd be interested to know.

As an added thought, I would like to revoke a previous rating, and slam those Cherry-Vanilla Cheerios with a big fat 8.5.

Only because they made me sick this morning. It wasn't their fault, but I don't feel up to showing a lot of understanding.

And the 'Academic Advisor' says, "Ummm.....uuhh.....wait a minute....."

Vanilla's Never Been So Good

So I tried a new kind of cereal today. The new Berry Burst Cheerios. Now, I've had all the other Berry Burst cereals, and I must say, I haven't been impressed until now.

Cherry.

Vanilla.

Beautiful.

I figured they would be good, like cherry vanilla Dr. Pepper. They were.

Oh, so delicious!

I would only change one thing about them. Make the dried cherries look less like moldy potpourri. They tasted good, but looking at them made me uncomfortable.

I give the new Cherry Vanilla Cheerios a 9.5 out of 10. I highly recommend them to everyone. Especially all you ladies out there who need to have something ready for me to eat in the morning. You'd better know your place!

As a side note, I'll be updating my links post soon. I've found a bunch of brand-spankin'-new toons and games for y'all to try out.

And the spunky teenage girl says, "My heart's still pounding..."

Kingdom of Heaven

So I saw Kingdom of Heaven today. I know it's been out for a while, but...I'm poor and have very few incentives to leave the house. I will admit that there are parts of the movie I liked. Here they are.

The first king was pretty cool. Very weak, but with the strength of will to beat the crap out of a jerk.

Tiberius, the only name I remember, was also pretty cool. That's mostly because he...well, he's just cool.

I enjoyed the "Horsey Ring of Death."

Catapults and trebuchets are always fun.

Umm.....that's all. Now for the much longer list of SOME of the things about this movie that I didn't like.

Every single priest in the movie is evil or cowardly.

Orlando Bloom's character, Bengail or something, completely blows off the memory of his dead wife for another woman, even though he said she would live always in his heart, spent days mourning, killed a man for being rude in reference to her, and tore her necklace from said man's flaming body. I'm not saying I'm opposed to the new relationship.....but he didn't even have any qualms. Never even thought about her until the very end of the movie, where he slows down for about half a second by her grave.

Everyone in the movie either is suspisciously friendly towards Bengail, or wants him dead. There is no in between.

Wherever he goes, old Bengail gets the sage advice of evryone around him. I think almost every character with a speaking role had some clever bit of wisdom to share. It made me sick.

There was ancient porn music.

Giant flaming arrows exploded like bombs, rather than just.....sticking into people. You know. Like they're supposed to. So did rocks.

The director apparently has something against large lips. They frighten him.

This German dies almost exactly like Boromir in The Fellowship of the Ring.

There was too much story crammed into the beginning of the movie.

In the first half hour, Bengail says about ten words. By the end, he's giving drawn-out speeches. Bit of a change in character. (I know he's supposed to change some.....but that's unrealistic.)

The same "Oh-no-he-just-killed-the-poor-guy-oh-wait-he-didn't-really" trick is used twice, and it sucks both times.

The siege reminded me too much of Home Alone.

One of the extras, a crossbowman, fired off a shot and then stood there gawking in the middle of a battle. I wanted to jump in there and cut his stupid throat.

There were giant.....wheels.....that didn't do anything.....except distract me from the conversation between the Muslim leaders.

Just a few of my complaints.

The soundtrack was good, the camerawork was good, most of the special effects were good.....but the story.....and the authenticity.....and the feeble attempt to make it look like anything other than a LOTR rip-off with deep, and yet very shallow, religious undertones.....all were way off. If you're an Orlando Bloom fan, you should at least rent it. It's not his best work, but it's a different role. If you like to criticize movies like me, you should rent it. Otherwise.....I don't recommend it. I give it a 4 out of 10.

Of course, that's just my opinion, which, as we all know, is the right one.

By the way, this is my 30th post! Woo-hoo!

And the blacksmith says, ".....I'm the blacksmith.....I'm the blacksmith....."